I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
third nipple confirmed
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
