i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
