I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
