the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They took my balls.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
