im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
