Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
