So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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