First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
