but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
