you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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