dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
