i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
