just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
