Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
