I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Pants are for mortals
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
