I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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