I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
