I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
