youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
