Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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