My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need a burrito and a hug.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
