babies were throwing up all over the place
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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