Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
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