He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize