i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
