i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
