Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
