dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
