I faked an abortion last night.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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