Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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