Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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