and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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