Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
