did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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