so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
