I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
