come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
