OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
