I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize