i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We need to get me chipped asap
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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