I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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