I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
