I swear god or herbie drove my car home
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dick very happy bro
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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