honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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