someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
