i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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