there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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