RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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