she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
