i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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