Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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