You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize