It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
