I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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