i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
