Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
