No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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