I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
