These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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