Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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