why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My Higher Power is John Stamos
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
