On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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